I have so many reasons to be thankful this year. I am gainfully employed. I am respected and well liked at work. I have been diligent and consistent in my powerlifting. I have a wonderful tribe and supportive family. It should be enough. Yet every year at this time i fall into a funk that I can’t quite shake. A few years ago I let it swallow me whole for a long time. This year I am going to direct it into something I can use.
How? I am not quite sure but the first thing I am going to do is talk about it. I’m not talking about it to get your pity or even to ask for your help. Mostly it’s just to let you know what’s up. I have a really hard time talking about my feelings and this is a start.
See, I have built this persona, Donna the Destroyer, for a reason: to mask my insecurities and show you my strengths. Today I am breaking the barrier between my persona and myself. I am sad. The Christmas season has had this affect on me for years, possibly decades. I feel like a fraud and I don’t want anyone to see through my facade.
And if you’ve been resin carefully you know that I haven’t told you why. And I don’t know if or when I will let you know my secret. It’s raw and personal and I don’t know how to express it without hurting myself and other people. And if you know one thing about me it’s that I NEVER intentionally hurt other people.
I guess this is the time of year when I realize the toll that this part of me takes. While I see the pictures others paint of their lives I look at mine and think “why can’t I make this better? Why am I stuck in this rut?” And I know the answer but I’m having a hard time accepting it.
And that is at the heart of my holiday feelings. I am so thankful for my friends and family that it hurts sometimes. I love seeing them happy and excited and enjoying themselves. So much so that I have a hard time talking about my own feelings – who am I to bring them down? Ahh, the double-edged sword of empathy. Wanting everyone to be happy and wanting to reach out to everyone and let them know how I’m feeling.
So for those of you who have been observant and have noticed me get quieter, less vocal in social situations over the course of the season, I want to thank you for asking me how I’m doing AND accepting my response. I am not ready to talk about it partly out of respect for your holiday season and partly because I don’t know how to talk about it. Yet. Just know I am thankful for you and your questions.
Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanza, and happy holidays to you all. May the coming year bring you joy and peace.